Do you ever feel like you don’t recognize yourself anymore?
That you don’t know the person you become?
I’ve been feeling like that for a while now, in the positive way and in the negative way. This year I did things that I never knew I was capable of, I exceeded all my expectations, all my targets and I’m truly happy about it. But not everything is good and I still feel defeated by old demons. Things that always pushed me back and keep doing it, in ways that something I don’t see myself in my actions. I get frustrated on a level I’ve never experienced before and it makes me loose my mind. Honestly I don’t know why or what triggered that but I know that is starting to affect me in a way that it’s not acceptable. That’s why things must change and I must change.
I remember when self-portrait became a therapy and an escape when I wasn’t in a good place… I look back to that girl, with no hope for the future, with nothing to hold on to and I don’t recognize it anymore and that’s awesome. Self-portrait made me do something for myself, made leave the house and stopped me for drown in my own negativity.
But somehow that’s not enough now. I feel this overwhelming feeling of wanting to do more and more and better, this fear of the future, of going back to that sad girl I was almost too years ago. It terrifies me. I can’t go back and the thought of it makes me snap. I guess I got kind of traumatized by that feeling I had. I don’t know.
What I know is that I want to start this year killing all those demons and becoming the person I was before that. Happy, positive and mostly calm. That’s what I miss the most, having control over myself, not losing it for the tiniest and stupidest thing. I miss being a pacient kind person that always had the patience to talk and listen to people even when she doesn’t felt like doing it. I became a mean person who probably will attack you if you say something that goes against what I think. (by now you probably think I’m an asshole, lol).
Why I am like that? I wish I knew so I could stop it. Maybe stress got up to me and is messing with my emotions, maybe I need therapy, I don’t know. What I know is that I’m determined to stop it, otherwise I’ll end up alone (and I don’t have patience even for myself!) so that’s my goal for 2015. Become a better person and being true to myself, to the person I've always been.
About 2014, it was a good year, I can’t really ask for more at this point. If you somehow were a part of it, thank you! Thanks to everyone that was a part of my life this year, I definitely am lucky to know such great people.
Have a great 2015!
(It's been a while since I wrote something so personal here and honestly I'm not sure if I feel comfortable doing it as I used to, so please be kind.)